so why do I even live? oh I don’t know. there’s basically no point, so I guess I could die and nobody would care right? yes, okay. that’s fine, sounds good to me. so tonight’s the night I guess. no letters, no explanations, just me. dead. for everyone to see in the morning. they’d probably be relieved anyways. one less person to deal with. and a lot less yelling they’ll have to do. plus, they won’t have to spend so much money on select soccer. wow. there’s so many bonuses to this! now I just have to decide thehow… hmmm…eh, I’ll decide that in a few minutes… hahahahah. I find it funny how I can say how I don’t understand how people can hurt themselves, yet I’m over here willing and ready to die without a second thought. I mean, I have nothing to live for anymore anyways. soccer was my escape, but for some reason I find it to be less relaxing now. less fun, not so free. more like stress to get into college because everyone knows my parents won’t be able to pay for it. not that I expect them to. in all honesty, I don’t even love my parents. they say it, and I say it back to them, only because that’s what I’ve always done. I don’t know what it means to love anybody or anything. sure, I have always wanted to experience that, but now it doesn’t mean anything. I just want people to miss me, and regret treating me like shit and not taking the time to ask me how I really feel. there were a total of two, TWO FUCKING people that did that. and they already have their own problems to deal with. my parents don’t ask me how I’mreallydoing. today my mom was like “i want you to be able to disagree with us, but in a respectful way” like WHAT THE FUCKING HELL. how is it possible to hate somebody respectfully? are you fucking kidding me? to be honest, I just want them to know how much pain and hurt I’ve gone through the past 3 years. I want them to feel it and to have to live with it every day like I have. I’ve been living in my own personal hell the past 3 years of my life. HELL. I don’t sleep well, I get night terrors nearly every night, and I’ve had this gaping hole in the middle of my body for 3 years, yet have they noticed? NO. because they don’t fucking care. or maybe they do, but they turn a blind eye to make it seem like they’re good parents. I don’t really know. but what I do know is that they were too god damned protective of me and didn’t allow me to experiment and screw up on my own. Have I gotten drunk yet? NOPE. have I gotten high yet? NOPE. have I had a boyfriend that I can talk to them about and feel happy about having him? NOPE. they believe in me staying “proper” for as long as possible. but not any more. they’re not going to have ANYBODY to force to be proper. because I’ll be dead. that’s really all I wanted to say, so bye everybody.
